Ignobility of Thyvor
Pateno of Tranquility
I've written this after quite a few Blighthold kefirs, so please forgive the work of utter genius that folllows. I'm sure that many of you will write me praising the piece and many more will write me asking, "Who cares about sodding Thyvor in this day and age?". Let me tell you- that is a valid and justified objection and ought be levied at any academic worth their weight in salt in the modern Helm. The answer, of course, is no one and ought to remain so. Still, I haven't the faintest idea of what useful knowledge I might profess to the world out of this creamy stupor, and so this is what I bequeath you. What is this you may ask? Well, it is a series of microbiographies of the great ignobles of Thyvor- those fools who claimed royalty out of their backsides. We won't be touching on the true greats of the City of Knowledge, so don't be expecting to read about any luminaries such as King Durand Nelson, Saint Tyger McEldra, or even the devout Prince Nyroc. No, no, no- the Thyvorians who'd actually had royal blood, had been legally adopted into a proper monarchial line of succession, or had presided even-handedly as a non-royal Regent of the Kingdom had all passed on by the time this cast of buffoons came into power. So, let's make our way through this line of frauds and give them neat little ratings on a scale from one to ten in terms of just how ignoble they were (In both character and gentility).
Queen Mahahni Zartahlna
Queen my ass! The lass was a poor farm girl who just so happened to be naive enough to think that leading the ragged people of Thyvor after the first Upheaval would be a viable route to nobility. Sure, she had a half-assed replica of the Libalis built and signed the Tranquil Accordance, but both eventually fell apart so even her achievements are pretty shite. Not only did she steal the title of Thyvorian Royalty, but she bedded the mad Mycelyite Sven and dragged the royal title through whatever refuse the shrooms like to involve in the bedroom. (I hear some of their rituals are truly grotesque.)
Light to decent 5 Ignobility, overall.
The first of many alcoholics to claim the throne and the royal title along with it, Stelco began a longstanding Thyvorian tradition. Still, he doesn't even compare to his juniors. Most of what Stelco's known for is running around stark-naked through the city with a bottle of their piss-water excuse for ale and screaming the the words of bawdy Eastern ballads at the top of his lungs. He didn't manage to stay sober much in the day to day and shunned most diplomacy in favor of hookers and rot. Like everyone on this list, there's nothing noble or distinguished about Stelco's line. There are even some rumors that he was a Darkling bastard, the product of a forbidden romance during the Creed Wars.
Strong 6 Ignobility.
Gudzwabofer was a well-known rot addict and heretic. Many a night, one could stroll the streets of Thyvor and find, without much trouble, a raving Gudzwabofer with bloodshot eyes, desecrating the local shrines the only way he knew how, member in hand. Supposedly, he was well-liked by the heretical Thyvorian spirits of Curiosity and, unsurprisingly, offenses against the common peace; but outside of that his legacy is unimpressive. Sure, he traveled to the void for a month or so and allowed Quan a taste of power that would eventually turn fatal. Of course, he looted the treasure troves of the ally Kingdom of Tranquility (Where your humble scribe had kept his retirement fund!). And who could forget about how he mysteriously and secretly kept Ran'akak'flam's corpse under a tarp onboard a trawler in the Thyvorian harbor? His mother was an ork and his father was a whore by some accounts.
Light to decent 6 Ignobility.
King Rannould Monte
Not only was Rannould a drug addict, but he was an actual Rot Dealer, employed by the Cartel. He excavated and established dens in Thyvor's sewers, he sold product on the streets at night and he delivered shipments from a Cartel facility in Pestilence when needed. I know all of this, as one of my neighbor's friend's cousins used to frequent the den he'd established under Thyvor. Politically, he didn't do much anything significant except butt heads with his Accordance contemporaries, snort Witch's Crotch with foreign emissaries, and roll back some of the actually decent reforms that King Gudzwabofer had actually managed to employ. Rannould was the son of a salt merchant and dwarven tavern girl, as was well-recorded in the annals of New Thyvor's census rolls. Of course, they're destroyed now, so we're all quite lucky that I managed to research this paper ahead of the Upheaval.
Decent 7 Ignobility.
King Mystiko de Montecristo
I'd almost forgotten about Mr. "Can I Moor This Pile of TNT in Your Harbor", but this would be a real failure of academic inquiry if I'd forgotten one of the greatest degenerates ever to sit on the throne of Thyvor. Uniquely, Mystiko is about the only fake in this list that was actually recognized as such by the general populace. It's amazing how the people will turn against you when you provide months-worth of wiping paper in the form of some of the shoddiest pamphlets to ever exist. There's not much else to say about Mystiko that hasn't already been said. Strangely enough, this one's actual of Noble Blood- just not Thyvorian Noble Blood, and certainly not the Royal bloodline. Given his character, he couldn't be left out.
Strong 8 in terms of Ignobility.
King Quan Do O'Grant
A drunk that dragged himself out of the Whistling Finch one day and walked down the road to Thyvor, Quan is nothing unique. Half of Thyvor's population had the same old origin story at one point. Still, he is unique in that he single-handedly played into Glacikaldrian foreign policy, destroyed the Tranquil Accordance, pissed on his Eastern Allies, got whupped by the very same Glacikaldr, soul-bound himself to a giant lizard, did some other half-assed shenanigans, lost his friends, faith, and purpose, and eventually killed himself in the void (As he deserved). He's also unique in that he's the half-breed son of a Halfling camp follower and the hunchback cook of a Claudite legion. Damn the Quanarchy and good riddance!
That concludes our exploration of Thyvorian abortions, but I do hope you all read my next treatise on Evorgans who weren't fatally addicted to dangerous, mind-altering concoctions. It'll be a quick read, so don't worry about too much of a commitment. There may be a minority of you who feel that I ought to have touched on Ridley's time on Thyvor's throne; however, there is some debate in the academic community over whether or not Ridley is actually descended of Durand's great aunt Bertha, on his mother's side. As such, it wasn't up to my academic standards to decry such a fine ruler of Thyvor without any evidence or citation. Anyhow, you all remember to keep on reading and keep on drinking!